Funeral Home Funnies
I’ve had the pleasure of being a licensed funeral director for the past 23 years, and, yes, I’ve heard nearly every joke known to man regarding my chosen profession. When a person discovers what I do for a living, oftentimes a look of shock briefly crosses their face, and then they exclaim with a wide smile, “Well, people are just dying to come see you!” Yes, I’ve heard that joke nearly one million times, and, yes, I still laugh along as if it were my first. Death and dying are very serious and solemn subjects that deserve great respect. But actress Katey Sagal once said, “When they say laughter is healing, it absolutely is the truth.” My favorite funerals have the audience crying one moment and laughing the next. Experts say that finding humor in an inevitability such as death helps us cope. And nearly half of the people I meet have a funeral joke they’re just “dying” to share with me. So, with this in mind, and with no disrespect intended, here are a few of my favorite funeral home funnies.
Two women past their prime are having a visit. The first woman tells her friend she has decided to be cremated. Her friend is shocked. The woman then states, “It’s my only hope of ever having a smokin’ hot body.”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
A funeral home employee was cremated by mistake while taking a nap. I guess two people got fired that day.
I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. Three girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk near the cemetery, and could they walk with me? I agreed, and then stated, “I understand. I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.” I’ve never seen people run so fast!
Select six people in your life who have disappointed you and designate them to be your pallbearers. That way, they can let you down one last time.
I’m getting so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at the mortuary and you’re “doing your job.” Burn a body in the woods and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
No joke – we’re the best funeral home in town. We put the “fun” back in “funeral.” (I’ve also heard that one a million times). Serenity Funeral Home of Southern Utah – (435) 986-2085, www.SerenitySTG.com.
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Submitted by W. Russell Atkin, Licensed Funeral Director/Owner
